Happy to Be here

In my first day of chemo. Got here at 8am. Already witnessed to 5 nurses and a chaplain!!! PTL!!! So far so good. On drugs but also have good morale. Had Sam and Nanc with me. Gena was here earlier too. I'm happy, even though I'm going through this. :D We're looking through pics from Cali, TX, NM, and GUA. Yay!! Nanc is sleeping over. Her and Sam are staying with me tomorrow too.

I got good news. I'm on "probational remission" meaning that the cancer is beyond the view of the scan. This means that the cancer cells are now microscopic. The doctor said that I would probably only need 1 more session of chemo after this one to make sure that we sweep up the rest, but he thinking that having an additional 3 sessions would just be too much damage for my body to handle. Praise the Lord!! This means I might be done by October.

In other news:
-I am back at UCF taking three classes and having to do an additional 45 hours of service learning including Junior Achievement.
-I'm taking the Biblical Counseling class at church.
-I just went, last weekend, to the NANC conference in Jacksonville, FL. I have two more training conferences. One in Oct. and Nov.
-I'm going back to work.
-I'm going to see Jess soon. :)
-I had a chocolate chip cookie and chocolate ice cream tonight :D YAY!!!

I am so happy to be here, in the hospital, as a child of God. I'm grateful to have the means at my disposal to preach the gospel, be a good witness, grow closer to my families, and have down time to reflect on my ways. I feel unworthy to share sufferings with Christ. And pray that in my next trial I will glorify Christ and not forget the many lessons I have learned in the midst of this trial over the last 6 months.

"It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes. The law of Your mouth is better to me than thousands of coins of gold and silver. Your hands have made me and fashioned me; give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments. Those who fear You will be glad when they see me, because I have hoped in Your word. I know, O LORD, that Your judgments are right, and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me. Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort, according to Your word to Your servant. Let Your tender mercies come to me, that I may live; for Your law is my delight." Ps. 119:71-77

May this always be true in my heart and my life and in yours. For Christ knows every secret thing. Amen!

Just Can't Stop

I got out of the hospital but not before two blood platelete transfusions and a load of antibiotics and pain meds. I was in so much pain, it basically made me unconscious. All I did was sleep for the most part. It hurt too much to concentrate. I made sure I got out in time for Women's group though. And the same day that I got out of the hospital, I had to go to school to registar. Since then I haven't really stopped. Every day there's something to do. I get up, I throw up, I drag myself to school, I'm sick, I take meds or not, and I keep walking. Every sick step I take stomps on a little piece of this cancer that's constantly trying to knock me down.

I am blessed though b/c I have Christ. And two families who love me-my church and my own. They help me stay strong b/c when I can't continue for myself, I continue for them. To be an example which points straight to the glory of Christ. It's not that bad. At least I know the truth. There are so many lost, alone, sad, and hopeless. They are the ones to be pitied.

My sister is walking for me in "Light the Night". It's amazing how much my cancer has changed her. I'm so proud of her. It's worth it to be sick, if only for her.

In two weeks and one day I'm going to Jacksonville. The same weekend road trip for NANC for the next three months. Then possibly in Dec. (Lord willing)-THE GRAND CANYON-WOO HOO!!!

Back in Again

I got out of the hospital last Tuesday and when I saw my doctor on Wednesday he said that because of the severity of the chemotherapy treatment there was a great chance that I would end up back in the hospital and possibly with a blood transfusion. Well, I started today like any other day. I was really happy because I got to go back to school and everything. Then I went for my shot right before my job and that's when everything changed. My WBC was 0.7 and my plateletes were 28. When I saw my counts I started crying b/c I knew Dr. Jana was going to try to send me back to the hospital and I didn't want to go. He was very kind and patient with me. He took me into one of the side rooms and let me cry out and then spoke of his concern for my health. He told me he wanted to go to school and work, but not until I got better. So here I am in the hospital. No work for at least a couple of weeks and no school for now. Not until I get out. I might have to get a blood transfusion if my plateletes go any lower. I hope the Lord will help me through this without sinning against Him.

Texas, New Mexico, Mini Golf, Broncitis, Miami, Hospital

I'm in the hospital again. It has been an interesting month. I decided right after all my shots and everything were over to go to Texas with my two friends, Nancy and Gabby, to see my friend Mary Anne. We were 6 days and 5 nights. Here are the basics of our adventure:

Day 1/ Wednesday: Arrive in airport very early, spend some time with mary anne, some time sleeping in airport, some time drinking coffee, and some time talking to El Paso tour guide. Gabby and Nancy come 8 hours later, we go eat, settle in, and spend some much needed time in the hot tub.

Day 2/ Thursday: Gabby, Nancy, and I decide to drive from El Paso, TX to Carlsbad, NM to go to the Carlsbad Caverns. On the way we drive through many mts. including the Franklin Mts. and the Guataloupe Mts. Take many pictures and adopt theme song for trip. Get to Carlsbad, NM and decide to take "natural entrance" of bat cave to get to the caverns. The funniest part of this was all the signs warning us that this was only for those in shape. Which I am not. LOL. However, we did it. We hiked the 3 miles from the top of the bat cave to the bottom of the cavern and it was amazing. Afterward, we went back through a storm and Nancy started to feel sick. She went to bed early.

Day 3/ Friday: We drove back to New Mexico again but this time to go to the White Sands Monument, which is basically a huge white sand desert in the middle of the Mts. We took plastic sled disks with us and slid down the sand dunes over and over again. It was really fun. Afterward we finally met up with Mary Anne in TX and went with her for food and fun. We ended up on Scenic Dr. and viewing spot on top of the Franklin Mts. where u can see all of El Paso and parts of Mexico as well. Then Mary Anne and some of her new friends decided to climb the mt. behind us to get a better view. I went as well even though I was wearing sandals. Then they decided to climb higher, to the very top of the mt. I was like "no way", but some how I kept going higher and higher until I got stuck in the mt. and gave up. On my way back down, I got stubborn and decided to find another way up to the top. I made Nancy come to even though she was in a dress. LOL. It was really pretty when we finally made it and when we got back down to Scenic Dr. it was sunset. So we got to watch night come to El Paso. It was beautiful.

Day 4/ Saturday: Event with Mary Anne and her friends. Then we went to Cracker Barrell which was really yummy. Afterward, the sun was coming down and I wanted a picture so I decided to run across the pkg lot to get a good view and I fell. I made it through mts., deserts, and caves, but not parking lots. Too dangerous. LOL. Today is the day I also started to feel sick.

Day 5/ Sunday: Church with Mary Anne's church. Good sermon. Nice congregation. Lunch with Mary Anne's grandma. Time at the Mall in El Paso where we went to the store were everything was $1. It was amazing. I wish we had one here. :( Then Mary Anne wanted to take us to this concert and before she found a parking spot we were at the border of Juarez, Mexico. Oh yeah!!! Many panicked moments later and with the help of two mexican men we were able to turn around and escape, but what a way to end an adventure.

Day 6/ Monday: I was dropped off for my flight and was feeling icky. Then my connecting flight in Atlanta was 4 hours late b/c of the weather. When I finally left, I flew home in a lightening storm. I guess the adventure wasn't over yet.

After this adventure was over my grandma, mother, and brother came up for the weekend. It was nice. We played golf, went out to eat, went to the Scriptorium, and they came to church. Then the day they went home, I went with Nancy on a road trip to Miami. She needed an emergency passport and I had promised to go with her. I was sick with broncitis the whole time!!!! I finally was shipped a Z-Pak in Delray Bch, but I didn't start feeling better till this past Saturday. As it is I'm still coughing and I think my sore throat might be coming back.

Well, This was my whole month in one post. Right now I'm in the hospital, and when I get out, I might have to go back to work and school with chemo, and I just found out that this cancer process won't actually be over for the next 5 years. Oh boy.

Valley of Vision

Here is one of my favorite songs by Sovereign Grace Music. It explains my feelings so much better than I can:

In the Valley:

Verse 1:
When you lead me to the valley of vision
I can see you in the heights.
And though my humbling wouldn't be my decision
It's here your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross procedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley's where you make me more like Christ.

Chorus:
Let me find your grace in the valley
Let me find your life in my death
Let me find your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That you're near with every breath
In the valley

Verse 2:
In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley's where your power is revealed

Chorus X2

Home Again!

I'm home again after my latest episode of chemotherapy. It's not over yet, but they are at least letting the rest be outpatient. Starting tomorrow I have to go every day this week to the hospital to receive a shot in my stomach which will force my body to produce new white blood cells. This in itself is a painful experience.

Then next week, on Tuesday, I have to go in for my last round of chemo for this term. And despite all that is coming I am in the greatest amounts of pain right now despite taking three different drugs. My body feels like it's on fire, but I gratefully accept the pain because it reminds me not to cling to the world so tightly that if the Lord willed it I could not let go.

Although I want to go to Guatemala, get married, and do other things, I want Christ more. To be like Him and to be with Him is all that I need. What are a few more moments of pain when compared to the inheritence waiting for me in glory. And if by some God-ordained miracle my family could be saved by my trial, all the better.

The Lord is so good. It's hard to see that when things hurt and I want to smile but cry instead, but His promises will far outlast my tears and I look forward to the happier days that will soon be here.

For now I take rest in my Lord and in the gifts He has given to me. A new little niece to call my own, a Christian family to comfort in, a church to call home, a biological family whose come together because of my trials, softened hearts at every door, and a testimony to be taken to the nations. Whether in life or in death, I will live on in Christ. As long as there is a need to evangelize, my trials nor testimony will not be in vain because I was a Christ-hating witch who fell in love with the Saviour and now even in the greatest pain of my short 24 year old life can proudly be willing to suffer for His name sake. Praise the Lord for His mercy. Amen.

Better now

I am feeling better now in every way. It is part of my depravity that as my physical health improves so does my spiritual health. I was allowed to stop my meds which stopped the debilitating sickness that took away my appetite, made me vomit, and kept me weak. I'm doing well now except that my arms and hands have started this new shaking thing which is very attractive-:/

Also, I have been strengthened spiritually from the Holy Spirit, the word of God, godly reading material, evangelism, and my church family. There was a week there were I wanted to die more than live, but now I leave it the hands of God to decide my future without my imput. While it is more desirable to be with Christ, to be 24 and have survived cancer praising the Lord is quite a testimony to the Lost and the hypocrites. It is also an encouragement to the weak in faith and new believers. That Christ would so empower a believer and change the heart of a witch to go from hating Him to loving Him and wanting to be obedient to Him even in the worst of trials is a miracle.

I guess we'll have to just see how it goes-LOL.