Broken Hearted

Hello everyone. I have returned from Boston and now have internet access again. Ironically enough my phone was stolen in Atlanta today so I have internet, but no phone.

Before I go any further I wanted to apologize if I have been harsh or unloving in any of my posts. I ask you all to bear my burdens with me as I struggle to handle cancer along with life. You see, as I spent this last week in Boston with my family one thing that I realized is that for the most part being really sick doesn't make the world stop or life get easier. In fact it makes life harder b/c you're supposed to keep up with everyone even though you're bald and sick and everyone around you is doing great.

I failed when I was in Boston. I'm not an example for anyone. I showed no one Christ. I was consumed with sin as I tried to block out everything I couldn't change. My family's presence sent me into my habitual sins of impatience and complaining. In addition, I was put in sinful situations and constanly lost my temper and fed my sins. I'm not blaming my family for my sin, but it was very difficult.

As lost people my family are loving and generous. I should be thankful knowing the families that others have. I AM blessed and I can't explain my fears when they are concerned. I won't discuss them here, but just know they exsist. It was worth it to go to Boston despite my trials. My sister cried when she saw me b/c she didn't know I was coming and was so happy I was there. But I am ashamed of my sin. I hate it, I hate it so much. If I could kill it physically I would. I would choke the life out of it.

It wasn't until I came home that the veil was lifted and I could see what was happening. The Lord has crushed me so severely with His chasening that I can't do anything but weep. I'm supposed to go to chemo on Monday and I don't feel ready. I guess that's the way He needed me to be to survive this trial once again. To be weak and crumpled so that He could carry me through this.

Also right now my church is going through some horrible trials and I am about to lose someone who I truly love with my whole heart. It makes me ask, "who can I trust anymore?" Then I remember that Psalm which answers my question.

The psalmist affirms the truth when He says,

"Whom have I in Heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I
desire beside You
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever"

~Psalm 73:25-26

And I thank God that through my light afflictions He has provided His loyal flock to comfort me. Though I grieve, I know that this must also one day pass. See the hypocrisy, I'm angry when people grieve for me, but here I am grieving for myself , my sins, and my losses. You see why I need prayers for obedience and not healing. Whether sick or well I continue to sin. The sickness of sin is worse than the sickness of cancer.

I must go now, but to leave things on a light note, I will say this. When I finish chemo and its time for my hair to grow back; we can all pray as much as we want for swift growth, healing, and long, beautiful hair to come back to me. LOL. I love you all who know me. Please forgive me for my sins.

BTW, Sovereign Grace Music is absolutely amazing!!!

Broncitis

I don't know how to spell it, but I have broncitis. It's not a big deal at the moment since I don't have a fever, but the doctor siad he would stay worried about me until I started chemo again, which will be on the 24th of May.

In other news, based on some family feedback I would just like to make it clear that just b/c Im not praying for healing doesnt mean Im praying for death. God will heal me through the doctors in His own timing. That is completely out of my control. However how I act and my own responses to this situation are partly my responsibility. While God is sovereign I still have to be obedient. And thats why I pray for obedience, b/c its something that Im responsible for.

I would also like those who are in mourning over this situation or who are pitying me to examine themselves to see whether are not they are in the faith. This trial like all things is about the Lord. We should only praise Him for it. Nothing else. Also, I hate pity. Nothing is more discouraging than that look of sadness on someone's face that reminds you that you're sick.

Pray for my time with my family. They are much more challenging than cancer. Thanks.

A new date and a new poem

My mom is here and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I forgot that it wouldn't be the same as it was before simply because even if everything stayed the same, Christ has still sanctified me making the entire affair different.

Today was Elizabeth's shower. It was wonderful. I know she was surprised and I pray she was edified. I also got to talk to my chemo nurse and my oncologist has agreed to push my chemo back to my birthday. Yes, I know it sounds strange, but I don't mind starting chemo on my birthday. There are so many things to do before that date that are so important to me that it just fades in comparison. Plus, I can't eat cake and I've already ranted about it so I'll just leave it at that.

Now so I can sleep, I will leave you with my newest poem, which I actually wrote for Jessica in the hospital, but it can edify all of us.

To Give Him Glory
The point of trials is for the glory of God, the self-examination and sanctification of the believer, and the edification and encouragement of the saints. Each trail is perfectly formulated for the growth of the believer. As you go through them, remember that beloved.

What is the right response, when struck by a blow?
What do I do when there’s no where else to go?
Only to the cross, where pain was defined
Only to Christ, whose sufferings help mine
Only to God by whom this was decided
Only to the Spirit, whose comfort is provided
The Lord has decided that this would be so.
His perfection wills it, leaving one place to go.
Through each trial and chain
He holds my sweet relief
God has decided
That I’ll be sanctified through grief
In life, there’s pain, then there’s peace.
Soon I’ll in Heaven, in a place without time.
Where Christ rules forever with His glory sublime.
I have one place of rest, at the foot of the cross.
All my plans have been undone, all I have lost.
Only I will be blamed, if I tarnish His name
Or make Him ashamed with His gospel defamed.
Holy is the Great I AM, worthy is the Perfect Lamb
God sovereignly decided that my life He would take
And I’ll honor Him, through the choices I make.
Worship Christ so that He’ll be glorified.
Praise His name so that He'll be magnified.
The right response Is just to obey
And through each trial put Christ on display
He is the focus, I am but a lens
He is the King, on Him I depend
The purest gold is made in the fire
To be like Christ is my greatest desire
I do not wish or want to be healed
But in my suffering let Christ be revealed.

Light and Heat

Hello again. It's amazing how through life's greatest trials, it's possible by God's grace to be at peace and encouraging to all, like when I was in the hospital with cancer, and yet then to come home and get something mild like a cold and then be grumpy and snap at everyone that annoys you. That has been my trial of the week. The lesser my pain and troubles, the more distant from God I become and the more in sin as well. O what a wretch I am! True devotion comes when all is stripped away, not when it is returned.

In other news, I had my blood lab appointment yesterday. My WBC (white blood cell count) was 9.1 even with the sniffles so I'm still really healthy on a cellular level at least. Physically as already stated I have a head cold and b/c I stopped the chiropractor my back and leg pain has returned.

Tomorrow, Jessica and I are going to the beach to say good-bye. She has been one of my best friends for three years. No one angers or convicts me quite like she does, but then again no one makes me laugh or forces me to examine myself like her as well. During our time together she has been one of the Lord's greatest tools and comforts in my life. I have so many memories with her, the most recent being that it was her voice recorded on my voice recorder singing that lifted my spirits and reminded me of God's grace during chemotherapy when I was partially blind and vomiting. To know what life will be like without her has not set in yet, but I know that it will be alright (that's the title of one of our songs) b/c it's God's will and He saw all other roads for the both of us and chose the ones that we are on. I'm so happy for her success and I know she will excel at PA school as she has excelled at everything else. So I rejoice in knowing that the refinement of her talents will only lead to God's glory in wherever He leads her.

I have been reading more lately. In in the Puritan class at my church and so for that class I have been reading "Light and Heat: The Puritan View of the Pulpit" for Sunday. I'm half way through now and found the most interesting passage at the end of the first half. It said:

"The spirit of this age would have us believe that the avenue of preaching is no longer the means by which God will revive His Church. Rather, we are to engage in and enlist more contemporary means to accomplish what God has said He would do through the foolishness of preaching. More ritual with attention to ceremony, or one or more of the many forms of entertainment-films, music, drama, and testimonies-are the answers to the ineffectiveness of the church, we are told. Yet others will say that the need of the hour is small groups, where we can relate to one another and share our concerns. In such an era as this, a study of the Puritan view of the pulpit is like a refreshing drink of water in a desert atmosphere...Historians tell us that we should not forget the events of the past so that we can prevent their reoccurrence. Does not the same hold true for that which was successful? If the test of a sermon is the quality of life that it produces, then the Puritans were superbly successful. Thus, we must return to the Puritans and their view of the pulpit if we desire to alter the conduct of those whom we serve" (Bickel 67).

This is not modern-day Christianity. If my opinion is to be refuted, please read "Sinners in the hands of an angry God" by Jonathan Edwards or listen to my Pastor, Dr. David Downs on sermon audio.com and then tell me your pastor preaches like them. If so, then you are blessed b/c your pastor like mine is rare in our depraved nation.

I think that's it for now. Right now, my next chemo session is scheduled to start on the 21st of May. I'm trying to push it to at least the 23rd so I can go to Roberto's wedding.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I don't write as often as I should. I have a very slow computer that takes patience to work with. To give some updates, I am feeling better than last week, but I do have a headache that won't go away. I've taken two extra strength tylenol to try and help it, but it doesn't work.

I saw the oncologist on Wednesday and he said he was very happy with me. That I did well with the chemo and the cancer seems to be responding and shrinking. Presently my blood counts look good and he has me scheduled to go back to the hospital at the end of the month. I will be spending my birthday in the hospital, but that's ok since I can't eat cake anyways. All chemo and recovery will be in the hospital b/c hyper vad c is just to strong to do outpatient.

My grandma and john were both here for three days. They were a huge financial blessing and it was nice to have their company. My only complaint would be that I hate being pitied. Also this past week, a momentous occasion occured. I shaved my head. I have about an inch of hair now of what is left of it. After pulling it out for a week, I got sick of it. If you see any pictures of me, just know I'm wearing a wig. It's kind of werid, but you get over it.

Friday was the "single's night out" at church. It was lots of fun and the food was good. I'm glad I was able to go. Then Saturday, I went to evangelism and talked to an old friend. She's heard the gospel so many times, I've lost count. But even staring at me with cancer, she refused to repent of her sins. It was really sad.

Yesterday was church. Pastor preached a very convicting sermon. Unfortunately during the sermon I felt sick. I was able to sit through it, but not without a headache, light-headedness, and the chills.

I have a appt. at the cancer institute tomorrow for blood work. I'll have to tell them about my symptoms. I hope they don't send me back to the hospital.

That's all for now. Have lots of errands to run. Think I should lay down first.