Broken Hearted

Hello everyone. I have returned from Boston and now have internet access again. Ironically enough my phone was stolen in Atlanta today so I have internet, but no phone.

Before I go any further I wanted to apologize if I have been harsh or unloving in any of my posts. I ask you all to bear my burdens with me as I struggle to handle cancer along with life. You see, as I spent this last week in Boston with my family one thing that I realized is that for the most part being really sick doesn't make the world stop or life get easier. In fact it makes life harder b/c you're supposed to keep up with everyone even though you're bald and sick and everyone around you is doing great.

I failed when I was in Boston. I'm not an example for anyone. I showed no one Christ. I was consumed with sin as I tried to block out everything I couldn't change. My family's presence sent me into my habitual sins of impatience and complaining. In addition, I was put in sinful situations and constanly lost my temper and fed my sins. I'm not blaming my family for my sin, but it was very difficult.

As lost people my family are loving and generous. I should be thankful knowing the families that others have. I AM blessed and I can't explain my fears when they are concerned. I won't discuss them here, but just know they exsist. It was worth it to go to Boston despite my trials. My sister cried when she saw me b/c she didn't know I was coming and was so happy I was there. But I am ashamed of my sin. I hate it, I hate it so much. If I could kill it physically I would. I would choke the life out of it.

It wasn't until I came home that the veil was lifted and I could see what was happening. The Lord has crushed me so severely with His chasening that I can't do anything but weep. I'm supposed to go to chemo on Monday and I don't feel ready. I guess that's the way He needed me to be to survive this trial once again. To be weak and crumpled so that He could carry me through this.

Also right now my church is going through some horrible trials and I am about to lose someone who I truly love with my whole heart. It makes me ask, "who can I trust anymore?" Then I remember that Psalm which answers my question.

The psalmist affirms the truth when He says,

"Whom have I in Heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I
desire beside You
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever"

~Psalm 73:25-26

And I thank God that through my light afflictions He has provided His loyal flock to comfort me. Though I grieve, I know that this must also one day pass. See the hypocrisy, I'm angry when people grieve for me, but here I am grieving for myself , my sins, and my losses. You see why I need prayers for obedience and not healing. Whether sick or well I continue to sin. The sickness of sin is worse than the sickness of cancer.

I must go now, but to leave things on a light note, I will say this. When I finish chemo and its time for my hair to grow back; we can all pray as much as we want for swift growth, healing, and long, beautiful hair to come back to me. LOL. I love you all who know me. Please forgive me for my sins.

BTW, Sovereign Grace Music is absolutely amazing!!!